Women Who Run With the Wolves
When I was sick with my eating disorder, I envied the bodies of little boys and girls: legs with thighs that didn’t touch, flat chests, flat butts, pointy knees and elbows. I felt like nothing about their bodies stuck out enough to be ogled at. To be judged or lusted over. A common misconception about eating disorders is that it is a desire to be thin for the sake of being attractive and wanted. I can only speak for myself, but for me it was the exact opposite. It was to fade away. To become so unattractive and childlike that no man would want to look at me or touch me
I share that part of my story to exemplify a major area of growth in myself and hopefully spark a little fire in you.
I don’t believe there will ever be a day when I stop growing and I am happy about that. I have grown in many ways: from an intense, introverted child to an intense, introverted adult. From an insecure teenager that just wanted a best friend, to a confident adult with a small, but unparalleled community of brilliant women in her life. I have transformed from a sad, scared, and sick girl to a healthy, thriving, and proud woman.
The past few weeks (maybe months) have really highlighted the significance of that last sentence for me because in the last few weeks (I think actually months), I have grown a lot. I have become a woman that is fucking proud to be a woman. Someone who loves everything that the divine feminine, mother earth, goddess warriors, and wild women have bestowed upon her psyche and intuition throughout the ages. Someone who notices a little extra flesh on her side waist and doesn’t give a shit because it makes her feel womanly. Someone who is literally in awe of what females are capable of and do every single day and have done since the beginning of time, despite the unrealistic expectations, gags, and shackles society has placed on her.
The three things that have shined a light on my newly emerged and blazing female pride over the past few weeks are:
- Due to the results of an archetype quiz I took for a business coaching group I am in, I’ve realized that I really am pretty stereotypical Jersey girl. And I mean Jersey girl before the dawn of Snookie and Jersey Shore. The one that Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi sing about. The independent, scrappy, honest, down-to-earth, matter-of-fact girl that confronts life head-on and will run you over if you can’t keep up. I’ve realized it. I’ve accepted it. And, I love it…“’Cause nothing matters in this whole wide world, when you’re in love with a Jersey girl, sha la la la la la” – and things like that.
- I am reading the book “Women Who Run With the Wolves,” which, serendipitously, was left in an apartment in the building that I live after the tenant passed away. The book found me and I kept it because I liked the title, and now that I am reading it, I am so grateful. The first sentence of the book says, “Wildlife and the Wild Woman are both endangered species.” I knew from the first sentence that I was going to love this book.
- I know I am 6+ years late to this, but I have been playing the song “Run the World (Girls)” by Beyoncé on repeat in my car for the past week. My favorite line of the song is “Boy you know you love it, how we’re smart enough to make these millions, strong enough to bear the children, then get back to business.”
I love being a woman because I feel an inner knowing that is all-knowing. I love being a woman because I think we have a sixth sense and I love getting more in tune with it. I love being a woman because I am able to witness, and on a gut, DNA level feel, the forceful nature of the powerful, brilliant women who are overcoming major obstacles to make huge differences in this world. I love being a woman because I feel fluid and connected. I love being a woman because of Mother Earth, Mother Nature, and Mama Cocha. I love being a woman because the nature of the woman is so abundant and fertile that she can grow life inside of her.
Over the past 8.5 months I have, for the first time, been fortunate enough to witness someone I am very close to go through pregnancy, from start to (almost) finish. Jersey Girls and Wolves and Beyoncé have illuminated to me a pride in being a woman that I think really started 8.5 months ago when my best friend became pregnant. The amount of times in the past 8.5 months I have said, “What the female body is capable of is fucking crazy. It is so amazing.” Or have been left completely speechless by it instead, would require more fingers than I have on my hands.
In her pregnancy I have witnessed a woman’s body grow life. In sonograms I have seen a little bean grow fingers and toes, chubby cheeks, and a button nose. Through her belly I have felt a human being, who is growing inside of a woman, shift and kick and hiccup. In her pregnancy I have seen a woman make sacrifices for the sake of her baby from the moment she thought she might be pregnant. “I could be pregnant and I have a headache, can I take Advil? Let me google it.”… her maternal, nurturing instinct, as innate as her eyelashes. I have seen a woman grow and carry life inside of her and still run a successful business, buy a home, be a good friend and loving wife, and take care of herself. I have seen a woman accept with grace all of the changes her body was going through, without her having to do a damn thing for it or the ability to have any say in it; the body of the woman, so naturally intelligent that it prepares a home to hold, grow, and birth a child.
If you are not proud of your womanhood, I suggest making this a priority in claiming and creating your new life without your eating disorder. Listen to Beyoncé, read Women Who Run with the Wolves, find a pregnant best friend, do what you have to do to recognize the embodied gift that you are right now.
“What has happened to your soul-voice?... In what condition is your relationship with your instinctual Self? When was the last time you ran free? How do you make life come alive again? Where has the Wild Woman gone to?” – Women Who Run With the Wolves.
Do you want to connect with other women who are really serious about their recovery? Click here to join our private facebook group.